Connecting Over What’s Wrong

Noticing the quiet habit of bonding over what hurts—and what to do instead

We all do it.

But does it actually make us feel better?

Maybe, for a moment.

When we voice our frustrations to a friend or swap stories of struggle, there’s often a flicker of relief.

But that relief is usually short-lived—and a little misleading.

Because so often, what we’re doing is giving energy to the things we wish would go away. To the things we want less of.

I’m not just talking about complaining (though that’s part of it). I mean the deeply human urge to connect over what’s going wrong in our lives—or in the world.

There’s often a quiet comfort in these moments. It can feel like emotional camaraderie. A subtle reassurance that we’re not alone in our frustrations.

And there’s nothing wrong with sharing what’s hard.

The trouble begins when it becomes an automatic reflex—when we keep circling back to what’s wrong without even realizing we’re doing it. And with no intention of moving beyond discussing it.

Noticing The Pattern

I’ve seen it in myself, especially during long catch-ups with friends I adore—or even in passing conversations with acquaintances.

Sometimes the conversation opens with an inventory of what’s been hard lately. And that’s where it stays.

And again—there’s nothing wrong with that.

We’re human.

Support matters deeply. I love offering it. But aside from practical help, most of us just need space and permission to be where we are. Someone to sit with us—who also believes in us.

But wallowing, dwelling, circling back to what’s wrong isn’t space.

It’s a loop.

A confining one.

A Story From My Life

When my daughter was in primary school, the mom of one of her friends often asked me to babysit. The requests came frequently—and with a kind of assumption:

“Can you pick her up from the party?”
“Hubby and I need a date night—can you watch her Friday evening?”
“I’m studying now—can she come over twice a week after school?”

I was stunned by the audacity. So I brought it up with friends. I explained how I felt taken for granted. They were supportive.

One of them, an assertiveness coach, encouraged me to set a boundary.

But nothing really changed.

Why? Because the energy of those conversations—however well-meaning—kept me rooted in the problem.

Venting didn’t free me. It actually gave the problem more power.

And, if I’m honest, I started looking forward to those conversations.
I was getting something out of being the one with the “situation.”

Eventually, life got busier, and our meetups became less frequent.

And oddly… that helped.

Without regular retelling, the issue lost its charge.

My daughter and her friend drifted apart, and I let the relationship with the mom fade.

It made me realize: talking about something less doesn’t mean you’re ignoring it.

Sometimes it means you’re releasing it.

Making room for something new to evolve.

Connecting Through What Feels Good

What if, in addition to sharing our burdens, we also made a point of deliberately talking about the things that make us feel good, steady, and alive?

That doesn’t mean pretending nothing’s wrong. It just means being mindful of where we place our attention.

Noticing when we’re unconsciously training our minds to focus mostly on what’s wrong.

We don’t have to ignore what’s hard. But, we can choose to not let it consume most of our energy.

We can notice what else is here.

What’s going right.

What’s working.

What feels like peace. Or lightness. Or joy.

And we can talk about that, too.

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